Let’s face it we all have shit days, sometimes they smash you up-side the head and you wonder where the hell that came from!
Other times you feel a daunting haze of black smoke following you around. You keep “busy” throughout your day just trying to outrun it.
There was a time when I’d grab for outside comforts to make myself feel better. Avoiding the emotions that were surfacing. The more I look back the more I see my addictive behaviours with food, video games, shopping, booze, endless scrolling on social media, and on and on. Booze being the latest and scariest. Sober for one year and almost 3 months now.
Avoid avoid avoid at all cost!! Those ugly emotions and deep seeded beliefs that I was unlovable, unworthy and not good enough…….were constantly running and ruining my life.
Enter guilt and shame, these two emotions have kept me in my avoidance habits, in my addictions, and they most certainly have kept me from growing and changing.
When I feel my guilt and shame trying to sabotage me, I try to snap myself back into the present moment as fast as I can. I am not the same Jennifer, Mom, Wife, or Friend that I was when I was drinking, the person who choose booze over everything else.
Each time this dark cloud enters I learn something about myself. The self-revelations are sometimes not easy to face but none the less I must own them and admit to them so they have no power over me. I will not hide in the shadows and let fear pull me back into the abyss.
Yesterday it was evident to me that indeed I have come far in my self-discovery, what a beautiful revelation that was!
I cried a lot, deep sobbing the kind that comes from your soul. I wrote 3 pages in my Journal and I did my meditation for Intuition and Love. Cried in the shower, wrote 2 pages on my laptop, cried some more. I ate wholesome foods, drank my morning coffee then switched to jasmine green tea for the remainder of my day.
I watched Avatar with 2 intermissions to pick up dog poo from the backyard. Did some laundry, fell asleep in my office chair as the sun was beating down on me, that’s a first!! Really listened to my daughter as she told me about her day. Went to a school meeting for my son’s next outdoor adventure!! Enjoyed a plate of fruit and a movie with my husband.
I realized how present I was for all those mundane everyday things. They were so splendid and I was so grateful to have enjoyed every moment.
The old Jen would’ve grabbed for booze and would have numbed out, that’s difficult to write. I wouldn’t have listened to my beautiful daughter, I might’ve made Ryan go to the meeting without me. I would’ve drank a bottle of wine and I would’ve missed the opportunity to grow and to change.
Everything I did that day was with the utmost intention of love for myself and everybody around me and everything I did. It was a beautiful miracle and I’m so glad I was awake and aware for it.
Lots of lessons learned and truths were faced. I know I will face the dark clouds again but each time I do it’s a shorter process to get back to the light and as a result I grow and I’m so very thankful because I’m more at peace with myself.
Crying helps my body to move thru my deep emotions. Journaling helps my brain to work thru my self-discoveries.
I highly recommend both!!
My intention here is to let you know you are not alone in your darkness. You can save yourself and you are deeply loved.
May you find the peace and love you’re so very worthy of.